my last heart beats..

25.02.2007

Here is the thoughts of a young woman...I related her story because it could be your story or my story... it could any woman's story; but please be indulgent with her romantic view of Love (and my English, lol)!

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It's again a new year that is coming, and again we are entering this new year full of fear and hope... and this made me think about my last experiences, my last feeling, my last heart beats...

It's strange how life is with you... everyday you wake up for something, and everyday since these last 2 years I was awaking every morning for someone...

Love... when you think about love, many though comes to you immediately...

Since 2 years I traveled a lot, I spent one quarter of my time traveling; Xinjiang, Yunnan, Tibet, Fujian, Beijing, France, Australia, Thailand... just to give you some ideas of the places I've been...
And every places remind me so many memories...good memories, bad memories, but for sure I will keep it in my mind for the end of my life...
I travel because I love travel and no matter what I will keep this freedom!

It's the same for my journey in Loveland!

Since 2 years, deeply, passionately, I loved someone, really loved him, never loved so much before... (You always think that you already loved the most but in fact, you never know...love has no limit...)
The problem is he does not love me, even if we were very close and also we were lovers... I was devastated, but the worth is that I wouldn't recognize that he does not love me at all...I really wanted him to love me just a little bit, only a small part of his heart would have pleased me, made me happy... how can he slept with me otherwise? I keep asking myself questions, and it was ruining my life...I couldn't resigned myself and let my feelings go away, not only because I didn't want to, but I just, cannot control my heart and my emotions!

For 2 years every morning when I wake up, I know that my heart was beating for him, that each thing that I would do, I would think about him, he was like my oxygen, my reason to live, I was full of him, he was my feeding, my drug...

Once I was sick, very sick, and lying on my hospital bed, the only thing that I could think of was him; I was craving to hear his voice, touch his hand, or smell his scent...
When I was sad, and I needed to speak to someone, I will first think about him, and if I wanted to cry, his presence makes me feel so good that my tears would go right away! He was there and that was the only thing that counted for me...He was really important to me.

He made me cry so many times...But I was only crying alone at home, because I was missing him, or hating myself for missing him! I didn’t want to tell myself that this was a non sense love that I chose... I only wanted him to be by my side, feel his presence around me, nothing more, ...I was blind because of my love, I believed for 2 years in this relationship, I really believed that we could be friends, but it was a perfectly hypocrite friendship that we had for 2 years, pretending we are bests friends, just hide our problems and our "adultery", because usually friends don't have sexual relations...
I was wrong all the way...I knew I loved him and wanted him to my mine, but as he was not sure of anything, I tried to change my feelings into friendship, in fact no, I tried to come back at our first time when we were really good friends and have no physical attractions...I did not work out, we were not strong enough to face our desire and sexual cravings...we failed...

I need love, and I am made to love someone, I need to love, because it's my reason to live, like each woman, what makes us alive is love, and I am not apart from that.

And I needed his love so badly that I don't even think about what I can get from him, the only thing he can give me was not what I was looking for... for he was really lost at this time and maybe still now... Men never know what they want and it's true.

I though that all the time we spent together counted for him, I though that all the nights we spent together counted for him, I though that all the caresses that we exchanged counted for him... it's not like a one night stand, just sex and that's it! We did not have sex at first but, all the affection, tenderness and love I gave him counted much more for me than any good fuck...
I am like that, a woman full of emotions and feelings, I need to give, my body, my heart, my soul... I dedicated all to love! And for 2 years I dedicated all this to him.
Some people can say it's childish or idealist or, maybe, that I am too naive, that the love I want only exists in fairy tails... I know all of that, but the only thing I can do is to love more and more...

From this love, I understood something; I was deeply in love and blind, and I hated myself to love him, to love someone that is not even into me, and I hated myself to be so dumb, and not even good enough to let him love me...I was blaming him to sleep with me even if he does not love me, I was blaming him because sometimes he was tough with me, and I was often sad because sometimes he treated me like shit or was very mean to me...

But now that I think about it, I don't blame him or myself anymore, I understand that we never get the love that we are craving for, the love that we would like to have...I understand that we have different time capsules and time scales, maybe I met him too late or too early, maybe I loved him too late or too early, but because of this difference and many other differences between us, we were not destined to be together... anyway...I don't know why some relationship never work, I don't know why, but now I don't want to blame anyone, because nobody is to blame, there are things you can not manage, even if you try to...very hard...I don't believe in destiny, but I believe that you cannot control 100% of your life...And I do believe that people don't interact by chance...Some people are made to be friends, and some are made to be lovers, and so are made to never enter your life even if they live next door.

I was fighting with myself inside of me, fighting this love and protecting this love in the same time. I wanted my passion, I wanted to feel my heart, everyday, every second, I am a woman made of feelings, and I don't want to control my feeling, I live to feel!
My emotions are my life, when it's hurt, I know that I exist; I know that I am not an illusion.

I know that what ever it takes, one day I will find my perfect time scale, my perfect match, or maybe he will find me...

I won't give up on my perfect love, because I live to love...
The only thing real in this life is love, I show my feelings, I show my emotions, I am not scared of them, I am not scared of death, I am more scared about no love... no feelings...
I wish him to be happy and to show his deep emotions, to be true with himself and others... I really wish him to be happy, because I loved him, and because he will always be a part of my life, I left in him my dare like a scorpion that has left his poisoned dare in his prey.
Even if I decided not to speak to him anymore, I keep him in my heart forever like all the men I loved before...He is one more scare of my heart, that’s why it is so special and precious and fragile at the same time...
And when it beats, I can feel all the scares burning, I feel alive, I feel my femininity, I am a woman after all...