Sometimes, i just want to write in English...don't know why, it's not even my mother tongue...but i guess it's easier to write some feeling that is hard to express in your own language...
you feel more confident... less shy... no limit...
it's like when you're in a foreign country and you have sex with strangers... it remains far, like a dream, like you can do anything but won't have any consequences in your real life...but does that mean there no consequences with yourself?
i mean, what you do, the way you act when you're in a different environment...in the long term, will it change your mind, your heart, your way of thinking? your vision of the world? or it would remain a fantasy that you'll hide from your daily life...when you're back home, in your town, with you family, your usual friends, your job, your flat...what have been there forever?
i'd like now, in this precise moment, i would like to be in a lonely island.... sitting on the sand under a coconut tree... just like i am now with my computer... thinking, writing... thinking...
even if too much thinking can kill you...
someday, sometime, you're just in a period of your life where you feel the need to escape the real word, the world that surrounds you, that judges you... this world that you first think was everything for you... became your worth nightmare...
so any isolated, remote from the civilization territory would be just perfect for me...
get myself lost for all the things i've been craving for...screaming your love and your hate... deliver me...deliver me... set me free...
you think that i'm crazy, that i'm not rational...but what i can tell you is that, i'm too conscious, too aware about the all that shit that's around us... about this world...how hard, how cruel, how sad, how delirious, how unfair, how criminal, how miserable, how useless, we human beings are...
i need for not to kill myself, or going crazy, to stick on something... to believe that i got dreams, that love is still there... i need to be in this fantasy that protects from madness... i need that... seriously...
and now, i can't stop thinking about bad stuff... i have this fantasy... but what's wrong with me? i asked myself, i turned this question thousands and thousands of time in my mind...what's wrong with me that you cannot accept or deal with? what did i do wrong? i simply cannot understand... and when i don't understand i cannot move on...no... it's too hard for me... i have to understand...otherwise i'm stuck... fuck...
but i guess...yes, i like to guess...it's like the creation of the world, and why we are all here... some questions are useless, because you'll never get the answer...
but, i'm a dreamer, and i still wonder...
now the reality catches me... your bad reality... your reaction...your no action... i thought that everything i would do, you'd support me... i guessed... but i'm sure now... i was wrong... totally wrong... you got you're limit... i don't blame you... everybody has limits... i was just to naive... to believe that...i'm crazy...
it's a mirage...
i have to live with it, even if it's hard... i just took every word you said for the real truth... but people say things, that they don't even think... so i was totally wrong... i was like a little girl listening to her parents and believe that what they tell her is the Holly Bible's words.
now i'm facing THIS... and i found myself alone... and realized how lonely you can be when you're facing your life...LIFE... even people that you think that will always help you and believe in you and your dreams... can broke you and give up on you even if they don't mean it... even if they think it's better for you... anyway, you feel lost in this world that's so empty... so dead... so dead...
goodbye fantasy, goodbye you...goodbye the old me...
can anyone tell me how to stop dreaming?
can you tell me how to stop nightmares?
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L.
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